Happy Valentines Day

**Written February 14, 2013 - we've been without Internet service since Feb. 16.**

 

Today is Valentine’s Day. Today Jeff and I are honoring our love in a way most befitting our struggles over the past 30 months. We’re going to get knocked up.

I am writing this with the intention of not actually posting it for a few weeks. If you’ve been following our story at all, you will understand and likely excuse us for our unwillingness to make any announcements – one way or the other – for some time. At least until we have a degree of certainty as to what will become of our 2013.

But if you have any superstition in you, consider the following:

1) First of all, it’s Valentine’s Day. What better omen could we wish for when taking the final step toward procreation based in the love of our marriage?

2) It’s been exactly one year minus 10 days since our first insemination. And we all know what happened there.

3) This has so far been the year of life changes for us. We adopted a puppy (or moose) a few weeks ago. And we’re moving to a new house in two days. A baby will make it a perfect three-for-three.

4) I recently had a test done to ensure my tubes (as in Fallopian) are functioning correctly. And yes, they are. But beyond that assurance, I’ve been told by three separate medical professionals on three separate occasions that this test is as therapeutic as it is diagnostic. It increases conception odds up to a few percentage points for about three cycles following the test. Every little bit helps, right?

5) We know what we’re getting into this time around. We are different people than we were a year ago. We’ve been through the rolling hills and valleys of frustration and elation, of deep sorrow and hard-won recovery. It’s a long road we see in our rear-view mirror, and it has sobered us. But it has also matured and emboldened us.

So here we are, hours away from starting all over, and completely in the dark about how, or even if, this time will be any different. I would be lying if I said my hope is not a little dampened this time around. But the point is, there is still hope in my heart. Six months ago – let’s be honest, two days ago – I was not sure hope would be kindled at all this time. But it’s there, meekly and passively waiting in the shadows for the time to come when it can relax, release some of its self-preserving caution, and fully realize the joy it would like to become.

Am I nervous? My sister asked me this yesterday. I really am not. I know what we’re in for, and I will walk into my doctor’s office this afternoon free from – excuse the delicious pun – preconceived expectations. I may be a little more jittery twelve days from now when I get the results of THE blood test. But today I am calm. Maybe that has been the whole point of all of this. Serenity. Peace.

I will write another post to follow this entry once we know if this insemination is as successful as the first one. But if it is, you will not be reading this one, that one, or the big one – the announcement – until we have seen that precious heartbeat safely flickering on that god-forsaken ultrasound screen. Until we are ready to tell the world, without reservations or the frightening notion that we may have to take it all back, that our child is finally on its way. It is my sincere hope that I will be writing that third blog post in a few months.

For now, I’ll just say Happy Valentine’s Day, my friends. Even if you won’t be reading this until the chocolates are long gone and the flowers have depressingly wilted. Thank you for your love and the strength it has given me. A strength that will support my steps as they take me through the doors of Oregon Fertility Instituted today, steps not of fear or anxiety, but of love.